This resonates so much for me too. I knew, deep down, for years. But the kids were very young and it was not feasible at that point to leave. Focusing on loving them and building life around them became a survival strategy, until it wasn’t.
I finally realized that I was losing myself, that keeping quiet and “going along to get along” was not sustainable. It was a long slow burn of finding inner strength and making myself ready. And some part of me needed to know that I had done and tried everything I could to make it work.
Once I dared to show up more fully as myself, to speak up more and be real, to risk the consequences of saying things out loud that my inner knowing had instinctively kept quiet about - it was astonishing how fast everything fell apart. Just goes to show how much it relied on me being squashed and was not a true partnership.
It was a struggle to get here but my new life is amazing and so worth it.
Thank you for sharing on the other side of it. I am still waist deep in the muck of this separation, but so many more things are becoming clearer with each month. I know I would have remained in it for longer than my soul could survive, so I guess I should thank him at some point?
Yes this. I feel less grief as I start the separation process than I thought I would. And I think it is because of this: I have been grieving for YEARS. I already said good bye over and over. My heart already broke and already stitched itself together. Alone.
Yes! I also think this is why I am more open to love in my future. I had felt this loneliness for so long and I am becoming free to look for what I had ached for years to have.
“All of it, the books and the meditations and the hours of listening while the rest of my life moved around me, was pointing me toward the same understanding: that I deserved to build a life that did not depend on someone else’s willingness to show up for it.”
This resonated with me deeply. I tried to change everything but the marriage, thinking that what was needed was just a new job, a career pivot, a shift in my attitude or perspective. Finally I realized that it was the partnership, or more accurately, the lack of one, that was the problem. He had a life and a routine and a way of ordering priorities that had room for me if I accepted the slot allotted for me. The exhaustion from planning, cajoling, and all but forcing shared activities, being the one putting in 99% of the energy to keep the relationship going; depleted me to the point where there was nothing left. If I was going to do the things I wanted to do, see the people I wanted to see, experience the things I wanted to experience, alone, then I might as well BE alone. It was the only way to make room for myself, and maybe in the future, for someone else who wants to be with me, not just co-exist alongside me.
Gosh, your ability to capture and articulate incredibly nuanced situations resonates deeply. I'm so glad you listened to the nudges in those last years; our internal wisdom is omnipresent, and we only need to listen for when we follow, she leads the way.
I really enjoy your Substack as well. One of the things I love about being here is getting to read how other people name experiences so clearly. It makes the whole space feel more human.
Sooooo relatable. The mourning while in it, the clinging to books/podcasts/anything that might help, the special kind of loneliness, the finding strength and solid ground in yourself... thanks for sharing. It's so easy to think about those final years as denial, when really it was commitment and character-building. Here's to more vibrant and connection-filled years ahead, all fueled by the strength and wisdom we found back then. <3
This beautifully relatable. I’ve been through the same thing of being lonely in a marriage. I started to really notice it on work trips when coworkers who go off to call their spouses, but I didn’t miss him in that way… I even forgot to call sometimes and wouldn’t get a call either. Small things started to add up over the years and then turned into big things. It took me two years to say out loud “I’m not happy”. Because on paper, it was really a great life. And so hard to justify the quiet nagging deep down of: “this life isn’t for me.”
I feel as though you ripped a chapter out of the book of my life! I know this knowing… I felt it while pushing it down. Thank you for articulating what I experienced. As a dyslexic I have never been able to write down/type exactly what I was feeling. Thank you. I have been divorced 14 years this past February. I still cannot believe 14 years have gone by. It is crazy how time flies. I will say, in looking back at all of it: my ExH walking out on me and moving in with his affair partner (and then marrying her, because of course he did), I am stronger and more self-assured than I ever was during our marriage. Him leaving was the best thing he’s ever done for me.
You are describing my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, while I am recognizing a new awareness resulting from all the internal work I am doing. I'm learning to separate my actions and decisions along my life's path, which is leading me to this place of mourning and longing for more self awareness and fulfillment.
I felt this for probably the last 4 years of my 16 year marriage. I still regret how much it all affected my kids, but it was better than staying married.
This was so true for me! SO many fears and assumptions kept me locked inside a marriage that was no longer working for either of us, but it took my husband's betrayal to finally break the spell. Harsh and terrifyingly difficult, but ultimately the greatest gift imaginable.
Victoria! Just wow. The way you describe your process really resonates with me. I went through something so very similar. The quiet knowing in the years leading up to the split. The preparation, the reading, the meditation. The way you describe it is so poignant. I look forward to sharing this with other friends who have had similar experiences. Thank you for this peace/piece! Xo
I think the knowing often arrives much earlier than the meaning we ascribe to it. It can exist for a long time before anything around it might actually change.
This resonates so much for me too. I knew, deep down, for years. But the kids were very young and it was not feasible at that point to leave. Focusing on loving them and building life around them became a survival strategy, until it wasn’t.
I finally realized that I was losing myself, that keeping quiet and “going along to get along” was not sustainable. It was a long slow burn of finding inner strength and making myself ready. And some part of me needed to know that I had done and tried everything I could to make it work.
Once I dared to show up more fully as myself, to speak up more and be real, to risk the consequences of saying things out loud that my inner knowing had instinctively kept quiet about - it was astonishing how fast everything fell apart. Just goes to show how much it relied on me being squashed and was not a true partnership.
It was a struggle to get here but my new life is amazing and so worth it.
Thank you for sharing on the other side of it. I am still waist deep in the muck of this separation, but so many more things are becoming clearer with each month. I know I would have remained in it for longer than my soul could survive, so I guess I should thank him at some point?
Yes this. I feel less grief as I start the separation process than I thought I would. And I think it is because of this: I have been grieving for YEARS. I already said good bye over and over. My heart already broke and already stitched itself together. Alone.
Yes! I also think this is why I am more open to love in my future. I had felt this loneliness for so long and I am becoming free to look for what I had ached for years to have.
I feel the same way!!! So excited to maybe have what I was lacking….finally finally maybe?
“All of it, the books and the meditations and the hours of listening while the rest of my life moved around me, was pointing me toward the same understanding: that I deserved to build a life that did not depend on someone else’s willingness to show up for it.”
This resonated with me deeply. I tried to change everything but the marriage, thinking that what was needed was just a new job, a career pivot, a shift in my attitude or perspective. Finally I realized that it was the partnership, or more accurately, the lack of one, that was the problem. He had a life and a routine and a way of ordering priorities that had room for me if I accepted the slot allotted for me. The exhaustion from planning, cajoling, and all but forcing shared activities, being the one putting in 99% of the energy to keep the relationship going; depleted me to the point where there was nothing left. If I was going to do the things I wanted to do, see the people I wanted to see, experience the things I wanted to experience, alone, then I might as well BE alone. It was the only way to make room for myself, and maybe in the future, for someone else who wants to be with me, not just co-exist alongside me.
Yessss! Still in it. Hopping for brighter days. Someday. In the meantime, I am so tired with miles to go
We will get through this!
Yes, this exactly! Making the decision, finally, to leave and rebuild my life was one of the hardest things I’ve done, but sooo worth it.
I’m now years into the other side of life as my full self with an actual partner and it is amazing.
I am looking forward to the amazing after all the dust settles.
This line resonated with me, too. We can only control ourselves! <3
Absolutely. It is a lesson I will carry into future relationships.
Gosh, your ability to capture and articulate incredibly nuanced situations resonates deeply. I'm so glad you listened to the nudges in those last years; our internal wisdom is omnipresent, and we only need to listen for when we follow, she leads the way.
Mourning something that has not yet ended. I have never heard it named so precisely. This is the post a lot of women needed someone to write.
Thank you for this feedback.
💯
I really enjoy your Substack as well. One of the things I love about being here is getting to read how other people name experiences so clearly. It makes the whole space feel more human.
I have found such a wonderful connection here. It’s what social media has been missing for quite some time.
Sooooo relatable. The mourning while in it, the clinging to books/podcasts/anything that might help, the special kind of loneliness, the finding strength and solid ground in yourself... thanks for sharing. It's so easy to think about those final years as denial, when really it was commitment and character-building. Here's to more vibrant and connection-filled years ahead, all fueled by the strength and wisdom we found back then. <3
Amen
❤️❤️
This beautifully relatable. I’ve been through the same thing of being lonely in a marriage. I started to really notice it on work trips when coworkers who go off to call their spouses, but I didn’t miss him in that way… I even forgot to call sometimes and wouldn’t get a call either. Small things started to add up over the years and then turned into big things. It took me two years to say out loud “I’m not happy”. Because on paper, it was really a great life. And so hard to justify the quiet nagging deep down of: “this life isn’t for me.”
❤️
It’s the worst kind of loneliness
Loneliness in plain sight. 💔
it is heartbreaking. I also feel the energy it takes to put a good face on for public makes the whole thing worse.
Yes! It feels like you are gaslighting yourself almost.
I feel as though you ripped a chapter out of the book of my life! I know this knowing… I felt it while pushing it down. Thank you for articulating what I experienced. As a dyslexic I have never been able to write down/type exactly what I was feeling. Thank you. I have been divorced 14 years this past February. I still cannot believe 14 years have gone by. It is crazy how time flies. I will say, in looking back at all of it: my ExH walking out on me and moving in with his affair partner (and then marrying her, because of course he did), I am stronger and more self-assured than I ever was during our marriage. Him leaving was the best thing he’s ever done for me.
You are describing my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, while I am recognizing a new awareness resulting from all the internal work I am doing. I'm learning to separate my actions and decisions along my life's path, which is leading me to this place of mourning and longing for more self awareness and fulfillment.
Oh, absolutely! Particularly all the self work!
🩷
I felt this for probably the last 4 years of my 16 year marriage. I still regret how much it all affected my kids, but it was better than staying married.
This was so true for me! SO many fears and assumptions kept me locked inside a marriage that was no longer working for either of us, but it took my husband's betrayal to finally break the spell. Harsh and terrifyingly difficult, but ultimately the greatest gift imaginable.
Thank you for this beautifully written truth.
Victoria! Just wow. The way you describe your process really resonates with me. I went through something so very similar. The quiet knowing in the years leading up to the split. The preparation, the reading, the meditation. The way you describe it is so poignant. I look forward to sharing this with other friends who have had similar experiences. Thank you for this peace/piece! Xo
I think the knowing often arrives much earlier than the meaning we ascribe to it. It can exist for a long time before anything around it might actually change.
I have 3 young daughters. I will not give up any time with them. I am suspended in time and space and there is no way out.